A lot of things recently bring me to the memories of being married. Since my anniversary was the day after my birthday, I suppose it makes sense. Funny, so many years have passed, it was truly a lifetime ago that I was married and it will be the first and the last time. I spent ten years with this man. And today I can honestly say I truly respect the man he is. Twenty-three years later...

To reflect to those years, ya know the ones where time seems forever and the future was so full of possibilities. Awe the twenties, the illusions we had the luxury of embracing. Everything seemed like a first. I never imagined being here, being in my forties... it's great and all but that was never real, not even on my radar.

I met my ex-husband in Turkey, yes the country. He was a pretty boy, all the girls loved him, thought he was sweet and cute. So of course I totally blew him off, apparently that got his attention... after we were married I found out he had set an agenda to win me over from there... so he was very sneaky showed up where ever I was and became my friend.... didn't see it coming at all. For many years after our divorce I wondered if he regretted that greatly... But I was touched to find out when we met in 2008 .. he said he'd do it all again. Wow, that touched more than anything anyone had every said to me... why because well those ten years had a lot of ups and downs and I wasn't ever really sure he had loved me... but that statement really made me understand that he had truly love me. What a special gift to give me.

See back then, all those years ago, I was pretty damaged goods with my childhood issues to work through. Back then I had no clue anyone could love me, shoot when your own family had been MIA well ya just kinda figure you aren't lovable. And I know for a fact I'm not the only one who's felt like that out there in the world sad but true.

So I sit here today, listening to some old jams remembering a time and place.... appreciating that we all survived to live and love again. Well I have my dog :) and he has a wife and kids. I've since come to the conclusion that well I do singles better than pairs.... Here's to all the good men out there, love, happiness and pure joy!! Salud!!!

This song will always and forever remind me of this moment in life!!!

The butterfly is beautiful and elusive

Moving with the wind beneath her wings

People like to watch her and love her from afar

Then there are those who think they should capture her and put her on a shelf

She doesn't like being on a shelf, she's meant to fly

This builds distrust

What she wants is someone to fly with her... side by side

This tune resonates with this feeling

Do you every stop feeling the loss of your daddy? I've been in a mellow mood, yes another birthday coming. No, I'm not sad because of the aging thing, that's great! I'm sad because I'm always remnded of what I still long for but can't have. I know at this point in my life I should have gotten use to the loss but honestly I just haven't, I'm really not sure I ever will. Now that I've reconnected with my bio mom I can ask those questions of what were those few months like? Yes, how many months were there really? So it looks like I had my dad for four months before he left for Germany and when he came back he was broken. Yes, broken, it's the best way I think to describe someone who's there but not. So I had my dad in one piece for a few months and I've missed him my whole life. And I can't even remember those few months because I was a new born. Kinda twisted at best.

So I ponder when will the void heal? or will it go to the grave with me? I know it's a small thing to lose when so many people have even less. But it sill hurts after all these years. And I know first hand that no one else can replace your daddy no matter how much you want them to. I'll have another birthday and a good cry, have to own those emotions ya know, and try not to feel this way till the next holiday.

All you men out there with daughters, don't forget you really do matter in their life. It's just a pure and simple fact of life, every daughter needs to be a Daddy's Girl!

So you've been journaling for years now and you have the books accumulated in some corner.... they've served their purpose of dealing with the day to day stress, does that mean they are now trash or a potential novel?  After eight years of journaling I decided to take a trip down memory lane and see if there was anything to be gained from exploring the adventure on a more intimate level.

I must honestly say that I was surprised by what I've found thus far!  I didn't know how far I'd come in my journey.  I tend to push myself and well have been known to be hyper-crtical of my shortcomings, yet I had to give myself a great deal of credit for how far I'd come.  Granted I've only read through two years worth of journals so far but these are some of highlights from my reflection.